Everything In My Pocket
by FlowerPot21
Summary: 7847993. That number paralyzes her every time she wants to call it. Casey reconciles with her past. Caseycentriic, postImpulsive.
1. Chapter 1

Everything In My Pocket

Chapter One

_Baby I know that all your pain will pass_

_I know you're sad, but it won't last_

_I'm betting you everything that I've got in my pocket_

_When you're staring out into the sky_

_See what you have_

_And don't ask why_

_Things can't be different, they're perfect_

-Minnie Driver, "_Everything I've Got In My Pocket" _

It is late, and most of the people in the office have gone home already.

Casey sits at her desk, her right hand resting on her chin and the left holding a picture. She feels the cool, glossy surface of it under her finger tips, and she sighs as she tilts her head to the side and stares intently at the picture. It is an old picture; Casey'd received it years ago and she had stowed it away in her mini album that she always kept in her purse. On the back is a phone number that paralyzes her every time she wants to call it. The phone number is a link to a past that she wants to forget.

She sighs and then places the picture flat onto her desk and she leans back in her chair. She has a mind to call the number; glances at the phone and then back at the picture.

She has had the picture for eight years, and can count on one hand how many times she's looked at it. She grins tearfully as she runs her finger over the boy's face. She notes his strong features, despite his being a bit small for his age, nine, and she likes that the picture had captured him in a moment of play. She knows that he has grown up to be strong.

She turns the picture over to the back and she looks at the message:

_Please don't be a stranger to us anymore._

_784-7993_

Casey turns the picture back over and she looks at it again.

She is so deep in thought, that she doesn't hear the knock on her door.

Olivia looks into the window and sees Casey looking at something intently on her desk. She opens the door and pokes her head in.

"Casey?"

She looks up then, and she grins. "Hey."

"Hey," Olivia says. "Can I come in or…"

"Yeah, come in," Casey says as she puts the picture aside and out of Olivia's view.

Olivia comes in and takes a seat in the chair across from Casey's desk.

"You really went out on a limb for Shane," she comments and Casey nods.

"Thought the kid deserved a second chance to get better."

Olivia crosses her legs and puts her hands into her coat pockets. "What makes you think he won't do it again?"

Casey shrugs. "Maybe he will, maybe he won't," she huffs. "He's fifteen, Olivia. He has an addiction to sex. There's gotta be something a little fucked up about him, right?"

Olivia is taken aback.

"I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't, I just…" Casey pauses and bites her lower lip. "I had to do something."

Olivia looks at Casey.

Casey has definitely gotten prettier with age. Olivia remembers when Casey first came on as ADA for the squad; she had been too thin, pale, and had a chip as big as the state on her shoulder. And her hair: a mass of red unruly curls. She didn't like her then-she had been much too annoying and in the way. Once Casey hit thirty, she finally began to refine herself and become a little less brash and a little tougher in a sophisticated way. She is truly one of them now. The Casey of four years ago couldn't hold a flame to the Casey now.

But.

Every so often, the fire in Casey's emerald green eyes will betray her. They reveal a part of her that she holds close to her heart, and those rough edges that Olivia thought had smoothed out will come forth.

This case had brought out that side of her again and Casey knows it.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Olivia asks.

"Not really," Casey says as she puts her hands in her lap.

Olivia sighs. "Talking about it will help…"

"Don't try to shrink me on this," Casey interrupts. "Much as you hate shrinks, you sure do act like one sometimes."

"I do hate shrinks, but it's not healthy to let things fester," Olivia says softly. "Now we can sit here all night and make small talk and BS each other, or you can tell me why the hell you put your ass on the line for Shane."

"What do you want me to say, Olivia?" Casey asks.

"I just…I don't understand, Case," Olivia says. "You're beating yourself up over this just like you did with that other kid. Jason…"

"Jason King," Casey says quietly.

"Why, Casey?"

Casey doesn't want to talk about it at all, but she trusts Olivia. But she has never entrusted Olivia with this. She knows that Olivia will insist that she talk about it, and that bugs Casey. She thinks Olivia should consider becoming a counselor because she has a way of getting others to talk. Olivia is more open than she used to be, and Casey admits that Olivia is a much better person for that. She is more relaxed than the other guys.

She fingers the picture and then she picks it up and looks at it again.

"We deal with rapists, child molesters, and murderers everyday," she says solemnly. "Sometimes…there's just no…hope. We have to _hope_ Olivia. And that's what I felt for Shane. I looked at him and I saw his potential and all he could be. _Someone_ had to be on his side and hope and care…"

Her eyes water and she hands the picture to Olivia.

Olivia takes the picture and she inspects it. It is a picture of a handsome little boy.

"Cute kid," she says. "Who is he?"

Casey wipes a tear that escaped and sniffles. She is debating on whether or not she wants to talk about this, and she decides that she needs to. To help her realize the truth. To help her pick up the phone.

To help her heal.

She sighs and her shoulders slump.

"Case?" Olivia inquires. "Who is this little boy?"

Casey looks at Olivia. "He's my son."


	2. Chapter 2

Everything In My Pocket

Chapter Two

There. It is out there, and she has said it, and she doesn't feel better. She feels worse now because talking encourages thought, and she is thinking; she is thinking about a year of her life that was given to someone that is a stranger to her. She is thinking about the person she was all those years ago and how she is trying to convince herself that she is different now and can see with clearer eyes the error of her ways.

Staring at the picture, who she is and all that she has become is nothing because she is still that person all those years ago: lost, afraid, and selfish.

She sighs as she places the picture back on her desk.

Olivia looks at her.

"I can leave if you want to be alone," Olivia says. "I'm sorry if-"

"No," Casey interrupts softly. "Stay, please."

"Okay," Olivia says.

Casey picks up the picture again and then goes to sit on the couch. She delicately places the picture on the coffee table and she rests her elbows on her knees. Olivia joins her on the couch and she looks at Casey.

"He's actually seventeen now," Casey begins. "But in the picture, he's nine. His name is Adam."

Olivia doesn't know what is going through Casey's mind, but she can tell that talking about her son will be the hardest thing she's done in a while. Like everyone else she knows, Casey guards her secrets carefully. There is no telling what she might have gone through in her life, and Casey will only tell when she outwardly shows her emotions with certain cases. Each time she has put her all into a case, there had been a driving force behind it. Olivia will be there for her just like Casey has been there for her.

She waits patiently for Casey to continue.

"He looks so happy in this picture," she continues. "His parents sent me this picture eight years ago…after I had gone to visit him."

"He was adopted," Olivia concludes. "You had him when you were young."

Casey nods. "I was fifteen. I grew up in Virginia…that's where Adam and his parents are."

His parents.

She feels pain in her heart when she thinks about that small sentence.

_His parents_. It excludes her from his life.

"It was an open adoption," Casey says. "And I went to Virginia to see him. He um…he said I was lying when I told him that I was his birth mom. He didn't really understand at first, and his parents and I helped him to understand what that meant."

"So he knows you?"

"Yes," she continues. "We connected and we talked. This picture was taken when he was playing outside with me. Go figure, he loves sports. When it was time for me to go he wouldn't-he…"

Casey begins to cry and she wraps her arms around her middle.

"He asked me why I wasn't his mom," she cries. "He wouldn't let go of me when he hugged me. He asked why I had to leave if I was his mom. I couldn't answer him and he let go of me and the look he gave me just…the look that Adam gave me was the same look that Jason gave me, and that Shane gave me. I can't take that look because I know I could have done something different."

Casey sobs and Olivia gently rubs her back.

"Case…you did the best you could," Olivia says.

"It's not enough Olivia," Casey sobs. "I just left…I just told Adam goodbye and that was it. I let him down from the moment he was born."

"Sweetheart, you were fifteen," Olivia says softly. "I don't know a single fifteen year old that's ready to be a mother."

"I could have done more for him," Casey sniffles. "I just left him. I know I hurt him."

"He's older now," Olivia reasons. "He probably understands better now. The best thing you did for him was give him to parents that love him."

"_I _love Adam," Casey says tearfully. "_I'm_ supposed to be his mother, but I failed him. I just…gave him away. I never gave him a chance to be my son."

Olivia can't imagine the pain Casey must be in, but all she can do is be there for her friend. She knows that Casey would have been a great mother to Adam, if she hadn't been fifteen and immature. Olivia thinks that Casey made a great decision because she is so accomplished now. Casey is discounting all the good she's done for one single moment in her life.

Casey picks up the picture and turns it over.

"They wrote their phone number," she explains. "I haven't been able to call it because I never know what to say. I don't know what to say to Adam to make up for all the years I haven't been in his life."

"Maybe he doesn't want an apology," Olivia says. "Maybe Adam just wants to hear your voice. Just to talk to you again. The bond that you have with him will always be there because biologically, you're his mother. What you feel for him is natural."

"Olivia, there's nothing you can say or do right now to make me feel any less guilty," Casey says as she grabs a tissue and dabs at her eyes and cheeks. "Adam is my son. He loves sports, his eyes are green like mine, his favorite color is orange, he likes strawberry ice cream…he's my son."

"And he'll always be your son," Olivia says with a slight grin. "Adam is always going to be your son. That won't ever change."

Casey runs her fingers through her hair.

She knows that Adam will always be her son, but knowing that doesn't erase the years that she hasn't been another influence in his life. She traded him for the life she has now; a life without him, and she often wonders if her choice to let someone else raise him had been worth it.

The more she thinks about Adam, the more she needs him, and that is why she never told anyone about him. Olivia thinks that she did the best thing for Adam, but Casey believes otherwise. She hasn't done enough for him.

Casey wipes her tears and she looks at Olivia.

"Thanks."

"No problem," Olivia says. "Do you feel better?"

Casey shakes her head. "Not really…I can't stop thinking about him…"

"That number on the back," Olivia sighs. "You should call. Call Adam."

Casey looks at Olivia, fear written on her face. "I can't," she says as she shakes her head. "What if he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. What if he hates me?"

Olivia shrugs as she gets up. "Won't know unless you call," she puts her hands in her pockets. "Call Adam, Casey."

With that, Olivia walks out.

Casey sighs and looks at the number.

She should call, but her worries keep her from doing so. She has only seen him twice in his life: when he was first born, and when he was nine years old. She thought herself an intruder in his life and she hasn't seen him since. She knows that she did it in an effort to forget him but she can't forget him.

He is her son.

She picks up the picture and then gets up and goes over to her desk. She grabs her purse and then fishes out her pocket album. She puts the picture back into the album and then puts it back into her purse.

She remembers when she was fifteen. She remembers her big belly and thinking what sill she do with the life inside her. She remembers knowing that it was impossible for her to raise a baby and that she will have to do something to remedy the situation she got herself into.

When she thinks back on it, she couldn't give up her child fast enough.

Because she was a young, stupid girl.

She was fifteen years old, coasting through high school with not a care in the world.

She didn't care.

She had no aspirations, no ambition, she just lived in the moment, never thinking about possible repercussions. She didn't know how to reign that in back then; she had just been a bundle of rebellion and free-spiritedness that even she could not understand. She has since apologized to her parents about her pre-teen and teen years. She still does not know where or when that spirit came upon her, but she gave her parents hell.

And she made Adam pay for it.

Casey turns off her lamp and then she takes out her keys. She makes sure to grab her coat and her briefcase and then she turns out the light in her office, closes the door and locks it.

It is time to go home.


End file.
